I’m here to write about the tendency I have developed over time of ignoring the mind, or pretending that the mind does not exist. This is a form of suppression that I have developed over the years for a few reasons.
Firstly, I did not always understand the mind. In fact, I was not even very aware of its existence, even though I have been living in it/preoccupied with it. Not having the tools to really question my mind or how to reflect on and assess what I was experiencing, I simply did not live in a way where I understood that I had the capacity to see the mind, because I never did. So from that perspective, I just never ‘went there’.
Secondly, as I grew older (especially in my teen years) I became aware of the massive amounts of judgments (mainly negative) that people made of others. In order to live the kind of life that I wanted, I had to, from a certain perspective, simply ignore what others thought of me. This could be positive in terms of not being influenced by what others think of me, but the fact is that I did care about what others thought of me, but I simply had to do this as a kind of survival mechanism as I knew that I was constantly being judged and that the life I led would even exacerbate the judgment of others, so I simply ignored it all and this eventually developed as part of an overall pattern of escapism that I had developed.
Thirdly, I often ignored the mind as a matter of doing what I had to (or thought I had to) to get what I wanted or go where I wanted to go in life. In other words, when I had doubts or fears about something, I would ignore them and ‘just go for it’. This came in handy when forms of aggression were necessary to ‘get what I wanted’ – like for instance, playing football, I would have all kinds of doubts and fears about making a big collision with another player, but as what is necessary as part of the game to be successful, I would just go ahead and do it. Or for instance when it came to ‘getting the girl I wanted’ – a certain amount of ignoring the mind was necessary, where I would ignore all these fears and doubts, as a form of awareness that I am in fact playing a game which is deceptive in nature, yet I would just ignore this and ‘just go for it’.
There were a couple aspects to this third point. One was a kind or a resonant of feeling/knowing what I am doing is wrong, but not being able to stop myself or not choosing to stop myself – although there may have been the odd time that I did stop myself. The other, was a kind of awareness that if I did certain things that were of the mind (at the time I was not aware that they were of the mind) like participating in my desires, that there would be consequences, and yet I simply ignored these consequences. For instance, I noticed how drinking coca cola made it extremely difficult for me to sleep and was linked to my insomnia, yet I would do it. Or, I noticed at one point that when I masturbated, I was not ‘the same’ after and would experience myself in very negative ways after the positive high of masturbation – and again, although there were at times where I deliberately stopped myself, often my desires got the best of me. It can be a confusing situation when you have already been programmed to have desires and so that which you believe you want and need is conflicting with what you happen to notice in self honest common sense is not supporting you. I’m sure that people go through this every day.
It has become like a lifestyle habit, where I do the same things – like for instance when I am experiencing desires. I know I am experiencing a desire, yet I will just ignore what I know and go for it anyways. Or I will be fully aware of the consequences, and just go for it anyways. It is like a form of absolutely ignoring myself/fooling/myself/sabotaging myself, where it is like I will naively say to myself “yeah….it’s not there, just ignore it!” and in a very ‘fast way’ (we always tend to rush to our desires) it is like I will just ‘jump into the deep end’, and brace myself for the ‘crash’, hoping for the best that there will somehow not be consequences or that they will not be so bad or believing that maybe I will be able to ‘handle’ the consequences. Now that I write this, this inner experience is really reminiscent of what a person would do when they commit suicide by jumping off a cliff, and that is basically what it is – a slower form of suicide – because instead of instant death, it is a slow death over time through a pattern of diminishing yourself through this habitual way of living, slowly but surely…
So over time this is how patterns of self abuse have developed – confusing that which I believe supports me with what is actually best for self as the physical body. I distinguish here between belief and the physical because anything that is not best for me for real as a physical being is based in mental illusions where in my past I defined what I need and want in life and what actions are apparently necessary to take me to that point.
In part 2 of this blog I will begin writing self forgiveness and self corrective statements on this point of ignoring the mind.