Today, I woke up early after not much sleep – somewhere under 6 hours, as I had to get up early and I went to bed late, and it took me a while to get to sleep. Waking up was hard as hell, I felt so tired and groggy, and just wanted to sleep more, but I pulled myself out of bed to get to school and really once I made the decision to get up, got a coffee and went on with my day, it was actually cool and the grogginess and lethargy went away. Sometimes the grogginess doesn’t go away throughout the day and the day is difficult until I get some sleep, but strangely enough sometimes I will be groggy and tired all day, but then when the time comes to sleep, I can’t sleep.
My whole day was actually pretty cool energy-wise – I expected that I was going to be super tired and want a nap when I got home from school, but I didn’t. I thought about it, like ‘maybe I need to rest’ – even before I got home from school, almost anticipating it as something I should do because of when I got up and the knowledge of how many hours of sleep I got. But I simply continued with my day, did some studying, went to work and came home and it is only now that my body is starting to feel a bit tired, at nearly 12am. How well work went really surprised me, normally it can really feel like more of a drag than it really is. Not only did I notice a lack of fatigue, but I noticed how I was calm throughout my day and effective in my work because of this.
There have been so many experiences I noticed lately like this – regarding sleep and nutrition – where I keep having ideas about what I should or shouldn’t do, what is ideal and what is not – that just get shattered through my daily experiences, leaving me to question – wtf? How does this really work?
The fact is that I don’t know anything about how it really works other than assumptions that I make, through making associations with how I feel/experience with things in my outside environment, like sleep and food – somewhat randomly – where I look for the most likely thing to associate this experience with and sort of attribute this experience to it – it is a kind of form of blame.
What can I actually do, practically, effectively? I can work with the body – the one thing I am actually aware of! I can pay attention to the body is experiencing itself – give it rest when it needs rest, food when it needs food. Seems simplistic, doesn’t it? But what can complicate this is the mind, as the mind tends to create its own kind of food and hunger, and its own kind of tiredness and need for rest. In fact, these things are really just food as addiction to stimulation, and rest as lethargy and laziness.
I have a hard time distinguishing these two things, except for one telling point – the desire for food and sleep as mental addictions always comes up as a thought – “oh I am hungry, I want to eat this thing, oh I want to lie down and maybe I should rest”. Today for instance I got a craving for McDonalds, which I simply did not act on from too many experiences of eating McDonalds that felt shitty afterwards, so being aware of the consequences I did not do this, but I really had the desire to. Breaking addictions is a process, as the desires still come up and it will take a process of disengagement for those processes to come up less and less, and less intensely so. I would rather not learn through the consequence of having a shitty experience, so I am able to identify the nature of these desires as whether they are mental/based in thought or not, as a way of being pre-emptive and pro-active.
I really enjoyed not feeling so tired all day, not just this, but there was a kind of clarity that I haven’t had in a while, as I find that since I had been just letting myself sleep until I wake up, which would usually be 8 hours or so, there was like a kind of mental ‘wall’ – it is difficult to explain, but it is like it was hard to focus on anything and everything was difficult, I resisted everything and I became sluggish. Perhaps this is not so much based in the number of hours of sleep, but the very nature of being sluggish and not being pro active in general. Just sleeping until I wake up, and then sort of stumble through my day until I finally HAVE to do stuff. It really is a kind of laziness-drug lethargy, which would explain this ‘wall experience’ I’m having. Perhaps it is time to start a schedule where I wake up and do so with purpose – to give my life purpose and meaning where I wake up and want to wake up because I have activities that I would like to participate in. This, like giving up the addictions, may be a process, but I’m sure that being active and living with real purpose is something that I could get used to.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to self indulgence and laziness and food and sleep.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in my desires/addictions of the mind as not questioning my thoughts but instead just following them as if they are real.
I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to give my life meaning and purpose through self direction as planning my days with activities that are fulfilling and meaningful which would have make the act of waking up more enjoyable as living a life with fun activities that have meaning and purpose.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in or give any attention to ideas/beliefs/thoughts/perceptions/knowledge about sleep and eating as what is apparently healthy or ideal
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot break the addiction to sleep and food and live a life of meaning and fun and activity
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself in every moment and be proactive instead of only doing things when I am absolutely forced to/it is necessary
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs through arbitrary associations between how I experience myself and my outer world as food/sleeping in a search for answers outside myself as knowledge
When and as I see myself searching for answers by creating associations with how I experience myself with things in my outer world as food/sleeping – I stop, I breathe, I realize and understand that the mind does not understand the body and only seeks answers ‘out there’ separate from it as knowledge/ideas/beliefs/opinions – and I do not participate in the creation of these associations
When and as I see myself having thoughts/ideas/perceptions/opinions/beliefs/knowledge about sleep and eating, I stop, I breathe, and I do not allow myself to participate in the mind
I commit myself to support the body only in what it actually physically needs/requires
I commit myself to schedule myself and direct myself in every moment throughout my days and in this way, give my life purpose and meaning and learn a new kind of fulfillment and fun that is based within the context/starting point of self honesty and what is best for all life
I commit myself to break the habit of food and sleep addiction as lethargy and addiction to stimulation and move myself no matter how difficult it may seem in that moment – I move myself and breathe until this energy passes