I had a specific experience today where an old girlfriend had come ‘back into my life’ briefly after a long time of not speaking and a ‘bad breakup’, as well as another similar experience yesterday where another old girlfriend had come into my life, calling me on the telephone unexpectedly – my relationship with this one had also been problematic and with a messy breakup. I spoke to her on the telephone and it was fine, as I had already been through the experience of trying to keep the relationship going when it was failing several times, so I had learned the hard way that there was no future in this and thus not to ‘get ahead’ of myself with her, but to simply talk and see it for what it is without any ideas or expectations. Surely enough it turned out that she wanted something from me and I had to decline that I could not participate.
The ex-girlfriend that came into my life again briefly today however, I had a different reaction to which is why I am here writing about this, because my own reaction surprised me, I did not expect it. It was like a strong anxiety, because of how things ended badly where the issues between us was ‘unresolved’ – the relationship had just suddenly ended one day and all communication stopped. When she messaged me, there was an immediate reaction of intense anxiety. This anxiety was polarized – on the one hand it was like a form of ‘positive’ energetic experience because when the relationship ended, I was not happy, feeling like I lost something that I believed I wanted. While at the same time, it was a kind of ‘negative’ anxiety, because out of spitefulness for the way the relationship ended, it is like I did not want to ‘give this person what they wanted’ as attention or any kind of relationship, purely out of spitefulness for what had happened when the relationship ended. This is quite a messed up situation as the ‘negative’ as the spitefulness itself is based in losing something as a desire that I have defined as ‘positive’ – and it is amazing how those two energetic experiences are really one and the same.
If the negative is based on the positive, does this not also mean that the positive is not based on the negative? Meaning, is it my very desire to have a relationship in the first place as something ‘positive’ really just based on something which I have created and defined as the ‘negative’? Why else would I have so obsessively sought out something for nearly my entire life that I apparently see as positive, even to the point where it ends up ‘hurting’ me and ends up as negative in the end? It is becoming less and less of a secret to me why I would desire something which I see as separate from me – such as a ‘beautiful woman’ – to fulfill myself and make myself feel better about myself. I mean life should be simple. I am just here living. Everyone is just here living together and that is it. What more do we require but to live together in a way that is best for all?
But the fact is that we are not living this way and instead of living this and way working towards creating a world that is best for all, we instead go looking for this point outside of ourselves to give ourselves an experience/feeling like ‘everything is ok’ when it is really not. It is no wonder we go looking for this kind of ‘larger than life’ experience in another when we have accepted life as something so inferior and unsatisfactory in the first place.
This is the case with many of our earliest relationships in life that we experienced and observed – usually with parents – where we experienced or observed messed up relationships where people did not recognize life in themselves and thus equally in others and in this way live as what is best for all. Having not understood these relationships and feeling as though we were powerless to direct ourselves within them, we instead accepted them as real/life/who we are and from this, set out on the great search for ‘the one’ great relationship to satisfy the desire that is birthed in the fear created through what we have accepted and allowed as life. Are we seeking these relationships that will apparently fulfill us and make us happy because they are with apparently wonderful great people, just to find solace and compensate for the messed up relationships we had with ourselves, our parents and other in this world?
It is late at night here now – I will continue this blog in part 2.