In this blog I would like to continue to reflect on how I experienced myself within the event of an ex girlfriend who contacted me recently after a long period of no communication after a ‘bad break’. I would like to write this out in self honest specific detail so that I may effectively write the self forgiveness and self corrective statements on this point, which I will be doing in the following blogs. This blog series is not in actuality about the pretty woman but rather how I experience myself towards the pretty woman as a self designed/self created mental experience.
So, why did I experience the anxiety? Firstly due to the fact that I felt like she had ‘hurt me’ and I was angry at her, because I wanted to be with her and felt like she was dishonest with me and like she used me. I felt like I was just there to give her some kind of a special experience for herself where I simply added to her status and value in life and was just another piece of the puzzle in her ideal life, another accessory, not ever considering me the person as who I am as a living being. What is effective about writing out these points of why I am angry is that I can see how this anger is really about me as a self projection as when I look at my own starting point/reasons for having her in my life – they are identical to the ones I am outlining here. Even if this were the case in reality as to how she saw/used me – which I suspect they were – the point is that I am only able to take responsibility for me and have no right blaming or being angry at another for doing the exact same thing as me as we are equals.
I saw the way she abruptly stopped communication with me as cold and not caring at all, revealing the apparent love to be an absolute lie – I too have done this in the past, even if I did not do it in this particular instance, the nature of the relationship is the exact same as it is the self interest that is the birthplace of this ‘cold’ behavior where one is simply using another and does not consider the being they are. I also have judged her as being completely ‘fake’ – again relating back to me as this whole relationship game of users and abusers, covered up in pretty pictures and nice tones and ideas of love, is completely fake.
Another aspect of the anxiety I experienced which I mentioned in the previous blog as being the real basis of me being angry with her, is that I still have this desire to be with her – with someone – from this starting point of self interest. Part of the anxiety is based in a self doubt in trusting myself as while this desire exist, I am unsure if I can trust myself fully. However, after having some brutal relationship experiences, I have gotten to a point where I noticed a change in ‘how far I will go’ now where I will not ‘jump into’ relationships the way I used to as I am more clear on what I will accept and allow in my life or not. This is changing the dynamics of how far I will go or how much I act on my desires as I am allowing myself to more clearly see what something is based in and therefore see exactly where it is going/headed. Funny we use that word ‘headed’ as all of this desire stuff is based in the head as the mind as a mental condition based in memories.
Anyways, the desire is based in the belief that this person will bring me something, as some kind of wonderful life experience. The security of someone that apparently loves me, the good feelings of someone ‘great and beautiful’ caring for me – which interestingly is tied to security as someone who is ‘beautiful and great’ has higher status and therefore would imply greater security. More recognition for them and myself. It is only people in this world who are recognized as having value who are allowed to survive and thrive. Another aspect of all this is someone to simply make me feel better about myself because I don’t enjoy myself or the life I am living or the world that I am living in because I have not stood up within it, but rather instead look for someone to help me escape and save me so that I do not have to stand up in self recognition.
These beliefs as positive associations made/values given to a person as an ‘ideal partner’ are what drive me to want to have them and their love and have control over this acquired possession. And this is where the anger of losing it or not getting it comes from where I would essentially throw a temper tantrum if it is threatened or lost.
The last point I can think of is also how I desired an explanation from her for what happened, why she did what she did – but this too is based in a desire to not take responsibility for myself because as I noted, I can only change and direct me and if this was my starting point in the relationship, then it does not matter what the other apparently did to me as I was fucked within it and could not expect/do not deserve anything more than what I have given.
Ok, time for bed after a long day – to be continued in part 3.