Today I noticed a tendency I have where I hate doing things that are conflicting by their nature. I don’t mean having personal problems/fights, I mean things like: appealing a traffic ticket, going to court – that kind of stuff. Interestingly enough a few of these kind of situations have come up recently in my life, and so I noticed this resistance.
Specifically, there was a parking ticket that I got – knowing I would get it because the parking machine was not working, took my money and didn’t give it back, and I was angry because I would have to contest the ticket for something that was unjust/not my fault – which was really just a point that I focused on because: I just didn’t want to deal with/take the time to appeal the ticket as I had defined doing this as a ‘headache’/inconvenience/’pain in the ass’.
There was another point recently too where I had missed an assignment at University due to an illness, and got at F on the assignment because I did not know that it had to be deferred (or that the rules even worked that way, that I was required to defer it) – and then found out that I can appeal it, but when I spoke to the person at the deferrals desk, I got the impression that this would be a difficult, arduous task because the rules were not in my favor. I have been pretty much %99 decided to not do anything because it seems like there is a very small chance that I would win the appeal. Interestingly, there is actually nothing to lose in trying this, other than ‘time’ but that is not necessarily so as I have judged it – as it could still be a learning experience. Mainly I fear the ‘humiliation’ of being denied – which is actually only based in the desire to win because if there is no desire to win, there is no fear of failure.
And there are other points in my life currently where I am dealing with legal issues, which I have also been having resistance to dealing with. Anything of a legal/political/bureaucratic nature – anything with ‘red tape’. I’ve spent a fair bit of my life just ignoring this aspect of life and trying to stay as far away from it as possible – sometimes I would get so pissed off that I would want to engage in some kind of fight like this as a personal vendetta, but eventually that energy always fades. I’ve never simply allowed myself to engage in the processes as a means of self support. Instead I have defined this tuff as ‘boring’ and ‘undesirable’ just because it does not bring excitement or immediate pleasure. It is silly, because this is how the world systems work – they are bureaucratic and formal in nature – and you can’t escape it, I will have to deal with these kinds of things and learn how they work in my life – being adept at them makes sense, whether I ‘enjoy it’ or not – just because we do not get some kind of direct pleasure experience from something does not mean that we don’t enjoy/benefit from it – look at brushing your teeth for example – no direct pleasure – but the enjoyment of a functional set of teeth that allows you to enjoy your life!
In the past I had some bad experience with this kind of stuff, becoming ‘sick and tired’ of always having to ‘fight for my right’ – and hating this because sometimes I was ‘in the right’ and was falsely/unjustly under accuse/attack – and sometime I would fight but to no avail, the system won and I gave up. I took it personally and felt hurt, frustrated and like it was impossible/no one would ever listen to me, or that I could never figure out exactly how to navigate through these situations. I have generally never been very adept with/knowledgeable of ‘the ways of the world’ like this – I could simply look at a bureaucratic/government form and just feel an overwhelming sense of confusion and perplexity. Part of feeling like this was impossible was also the fact that I was not perfect and sometimes was wrong, and within the ‘rebel’ character that I had become, did not feel I was capable of taking on the system by its own rules and more importantly, was not justified in doing so, knowing that I was not perfect or deserving necessarily, knowing that if I had followed the rules or learned how to become functional within the ways the rules worked, that I would be able to deal with these things better. Part of this has to do with a general fear of authority as well, where I had separated myself from this point of authorities through these experiences.
But overtime and through the support I have been given/what I have learned/developed of myself through the Desteni I Process, I have proven to myself that I can become capable in working within the ways of the world and playing by the system rules – and being successful within this even. So, I will continue to do self forgiveness on all these points in the next blog.